The New Yorker
Your New Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System
Poorly Phrased News Alerts
Tips for Writing a Novel
Bad News, Good News
Power Anthems for Adults
Emily Dickinson's Patreon
Honest Dating Profiles of Punctuation Marks
Spooky Things That Have Happened Since They Opened That Sarcophagus in Egypt
Updated Presidential Fitness Test
Michael Jordan vs. LeBron James: Everything You Need to Know
Encouragement for Struggling Creatives
Cool Facts About the Library
F.B.I. Secrets That James Comey Knows
The Season's Hottest New Podcasts
How to Dismiss Harassment Like a French Woman
A Holiday Gift Guide for Manly Men
Realistic Birth Announcements
I Swear That I, Justin Trudeau, Am Not Trying to Hurt You
Excerpts from the All-Girl Remake of "Lord of the Flies"
I'm Banksy, and I'll Prove It
Excerpts from Steinbeck's Novel About the 2013-17 Drought
Covfefe ... for Her
What's in James Comey's Memos?
The Ed Hardy Boys
One Hundred Days of Ineptitude
Heartwarming Movies, Adapted for Congressional Republicans
Jazz: A Few Definitions
This American Carnage
The New York Times
Autumn Means More Than Wet Socks and Gourd Tea
Airbnb Review of My Childhood Home
The Hunter-Gatherers of 2017
We Must Defend Thanos's Constitutional Right to Snap His Fingers and Make Half of the Universe Disappear
Congratulations on Your Accomplishment!
Rihanna's 'Bitch Better Have My Money,' Repurposed for Freelancers
If You Liked Tough Mudder, You'll Love the Latest Obstacle Course for Adults ... NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION
The Re-Gifts of the Wise Men
The Myth of Paul Ryan
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Birth of Samuel Allen Novak
Every Single Possible Way I Have Attempted to Repurpose Nabakov's Famous Line "(Picnic, Lightning)"
Critics Respond to Classic Jokes Told by Male Comedians and Female Comedians
Is Your Teen an Activist?
Welcome to PINT-SIZED, the Daycare Bar for Adults
Brookstone's in Deep
A New Chipotle Rewards Program
Let's All Take the Loyalty Oath!
A First in Outer Space
Beware: Snapchat Dysmorphia
A Hot Dog Eating Contest
Bitcoin Breaks the Internet
The American Bystander
Seasons' Greetings from the Steinbeck Family! (Reprint)
I Am a Writer. Please Don't Make Me Write.
Who Are the Democratic Socialists of America?
I Have No F***ing Idea How I'm Supposed to Feel About Coldplay
Four Foods from Infancy We Wish They'd Bring Back
Ways to Be Ambiguous About Whether You Have a Cat or a Child
My Name is Too Weird to Be On a Coke Can
Natural Highs That Are Way Better While Actually High
Did You Not Read the Pillow That Said 'Live, Laugh, Love'?
'RIP, John Cena!' and Other Things We Would Say if the Very Healthy John Cena Died
National Lampoon / Weekly Humorist
Your Guide to the Super Bowl
Donnie's Book Report About the Witch Hunt
Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN'T Break
James Comey's Medications
Give Peas a Chance
Trump's Plans for a Canadian Border Wall
A Few More Statements About Black History Month From President Trump
To: Baby manufacturer Subject: Missing parts--important!!!
If Toddlers Threw Their Own Parties
What's Your Disney Princess Parenting Style?
Daniel Tiger Songs for Adults
We Cloned Charlotte Brontë from a Lock of Her Hair, and Chaos Ensued: Welcome to Brontësaurus Park
Books Where the Dog Dies, Re-Written So the Dog Doesn't Die
I Only Listen to Audiobooks on Vinyl
The Creator of 'BoJack Horseman' Has a New Way to Break Your Heart (my interview with Raphael Bob-Waksberg)
The Rumpus: Funny Women
The Mother of All Jobs
Other Contenders for 2017's Word of the Year
My 14 Best Pickup Lines That Are Always Successful and Good
Email Signatures, Decoded
I Like My Men Like I Like My ...
I Think About This A Lot: The NSYNC Song 'Space Cowboy'
A Mommy Message Board Dissects the Ending of The Grapes of Wrath
Points in Case
Episode from the Dark, Gritty Reboot of Blue's Clues
What Perfume Is
I'm So Excited to Announce that I Now Say 'Namaste'
Seasons' Greetings from the Steinbeck Family!
The Gradual Devolution of My Goals as an English Teacher
Songs from a Bon Iver Album In Which Everyone is Emotionally Stable and Living in the Suburbs
Good Friends vs. Best Friends
If e.e. cummings Were a Spambot
25 Tracks from Donald Trump's Spotify Playlist
What I Mean When I Say 'YAAAAAS Queen'
Elves on the Shelf Can't Justify Electoral College
Usher Songs We're All Looking at a Little Differently Now
D.B. Weiss and David Benioff Have Lots of Other Offensive Show Ideas
As Sperm Count Continues to Drop, Drastic Measures Must Be Taken
More Leaked Game of Thrones Episodes That We Just Made Up
Jay-Z Thinks Chris Martin is a Modern Day Shakespeare
6 Shows to Expect from Shonda Rhimes
Joel Osteen's Bible Just May Read a Little Differently Than Yours