Riane Konc is a humor writer and essayist living in the Midwest.
McSweeney's: Congratulations on Your Accomplishment!
March 8, 2019
"Wow! I just heard the good news about your latest accomplishment, and I just wanted to be the first to say congratulations! This is amazing for you and not primarily a referendum on my lack of success in a similar field!"
The New Yorker: Tips for Writing a Novel
March 8, 2019
"Write the story that you most want to read. Which, yeah, for the majority of us, means a story about a giraffe and a fireman who are best friends."
January 11, 2019
"My grandmother or grandfather participated in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION. Am I guaranteed a spot?
This isn’t the Ivy League — we don’t guarantee spots for legacies! That said, the more people in your immediate family who have participated in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION, the more likely it is that you will, too."
The New Yorker: Bad News, Good News
January 3, 2019
"The bad news is that everyone’s looking at me like I’m supposed to know how to pull this plane out of its tailspin. The good news is that, at my funeral, my parents will be able to use their famous catchphrase: 'Being a pilot seems like a bad choice for someone with amnesia, Greg.'"
McSweeney's: The Re-Gifts of the Wise Men
December 21, 2018
“'That is not all, blessed Mother! I have also brought the Christ child a sweet treat: a hollowed shepherd’s staff containing red and green M&Ms.'"
McSweeney's: The Myth of Paul Ryan
December 19, 2018
"Sing to me, O Fox Muse, of that noodle-spined hero who traveled far and wide, born in Janesville, Wisconsin, the last born son of Dracula and a polo shirt. "
December 3, 2018
"I think I speak for Tracy and myself when I say this: all it took was one look into our little boy’s eyes, and we instantly realized, 'Wow. He is going to do serious social media numbers for us.'"
November 8, 2018
"What we SHOULD be spending this amazing day focusing on is the fact that my arms broke so completely that if you flick my forearm, it'll spin around like a pinwheel."
The New Yorker: Power Anthems for Adults
November 7, 2018
The New Yorker: Emily Dickinson's Patreon
October 24, 2018
"$1 or more per month:
You will be added to my Mailing list to receive monthly updates regarding the fauna outside my living quarters. I regret that I must then immediately remove you from my Mailing list, as I cannot, at this time, bear to maintain a Correspondence with anyone but my sister."
The New York Times: Autumn Means More Than Wet Socks and Gourd Tea
September 29, 2018
"I love going door to door singing the old, beloved fall carols like 'Thanksgiving Prince' and 'Squirrel Rot Rock.' I just love watching my neighbors’ faces light up as they peer at me through a crack in their blinds and silently feel around for the alarm. That’s fall, to me."
September 22, 2018
"I stood in front of a mirror, said, 'Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,' and a woman’s face appeared next to mine and moaned, 'Greg, if you don’t stop doing that, you’re going to make us late for dinner.'"
The New York Times: Airbnb Reviews of My Childhood Home
July 21, 2018
"I rarely give one-star reviews, but ever since the hosts remodeled the kitchen last year, none of my cereal bowls are where they used to be."
The New Yorker: Updated Presidential Fitness Test
July 20, 2018
"Did you touch your elbows to your thighs? Then you’ve earned a point for one curl-up. If, instead of touching your elbows to your thighs, you called the entire European Union the foe of the United States, no points."
July 9, 2018
"Think ants don’t have a cool nickname for cocaine? Think again ('Picnic Lightning')."
The New Yorker: Michael Jordan vs. LeBron James: Everything You Need to Know
June 6, 2018
"Look, if we’re talking about who is the most self-conscious about his forearms (and so is always hiding them in those tight sleevies), then LeBron is the clear winner. But, as every sports editor I have ever worked for has reminded me, that is literally never what we are talking about."
The New Yorker: Encouragement for Struggling Creatives
MAY 28, 2018
"At the age of twenty-three, Oprah was fired from her first reporting job. This is the beginning and the end of the things you have in common with Oprah."
Points in Case: Episodes from the Dark, Gritty Reboot of Blue's Clues
May 16, 2018
"Steve nods, staring down at the envelope for one beat, two beats, then slowly raises his head, looks into the camera, and whispers: 'We just got a letter.'"
May 11, 2018
"She knows 'dog' and she knows 'pig,' but she is young, so she thinks these are words for animals, not women. She is new here."