The New Yorker

Your New Generalized-Anxiety Home-Security System

Poorly Phrased News Alerts

Tips for Writing a Novel

Bad News, Good News

Power Anthems for Adults

Emily Dickinson's Patreon

Honest Dating Profiles of Punctuation Marks

Spooky Things That Have Happened Since They Opened That Sarcophagus in Egypt

Updated Presidential Fitness Test

Michael Jordan vs. LeBron James: Everything You Need to Know

Encouragement for Struggling Creatives

Cool Facts About the Library

F.B.I. Secrets That James Comey Knows

The Season's Hottest New Podcasts

How to Dismiss Harassment Like a French Woman

A Holiday Gift Guide for Manly Men

Realistic Birth Announcements

I Swear That I, Justin Trudeau, Am Not Trying to Hurt You

Excerpts from the All-Girl Remake of "Lord of the Flies"

I'm Banksy, and I'll Prove It

Excerpts from Steinbeck's Novel About the 2013-17 Drought

Covfefe ... for Her

What's in James Comey's Memos?

The Ed Hardy Boys

One Hundred Days of Ineptitude

Heartwarming Movies, Adapted for Congressional Republicans

Jazz: A Few Definitions

This American Carnage

Wow, Weather

The New York Times

Autumn Means More Than Wet Socks and Gourd Tea

Airbnb Review of My Childhood Home

The Hunter-Gatherers of 2017

McSweeney's

We Must Defend Thanos's Constitutional Right to Snap His Fingers and Make Half of the Universe Disappear

Congratulations on Your Accomplishment!

Rihanna's 'Bitch Better Have My Money,' Repurposed for Freelancers

If You Liked Tough Mudder, You'll Love the Latest Obstacle Course for Adults ... NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION

The Re-Gifts of the Wise Men

The Myth of Paul Ryan

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: The Birth of Samuel Allen Novak

Every Single Possible Way I Have Attempted to Repurpose Nabakov's Famous Line "(Picnic, Lightning)"

Critics Respond to Classic Jokes Told by Male Comedians and Female Comedians

Is Your Teen an Activist?

Welcome to PINT-SIZED, the Daycare Bar for Adults

Mad Magazine

Brookstone's in Deep

A New Chipotle Rewards Program

Let's All Take the Loyalty Oath!

A First in Outer Space

Beware: Snapchat Dysmorphia

A Hot Dog Eating Contest

Bitcoin Breaks the Internet

The American Bystander

Seasons' Greetings from the Steinbeck Family! (Reprint)

I Am a Writer. Please Don't Make Me Write.

Who Are the Democratic Socialists of America?

Reductress

I Have No F***ing Idea How I'm Supposed to Feel About Coldplay

Four Foods from Infancy We Wish They'd Bring Back

Ways to Be Ambiguous About Whether You Have a Cat or a Child

My Name is Too Weird to Be On a Coke Can

Natural Highs That Are Way Better While Actually High

Did You Not Read the Pillow That Said 'Live, Laugh, Love'?

'RIP, John Cena!' and Other Things We Would Say if the Very Healthy John Cena Died

National Lampoon / Weekly Humorist

Your Guide to the Super Bowl

Donnie's Book Report About the Witch Hunt

Everyone Gawking at Me at This Skate Park is Failing to Focus on the 47% of Bones I DIDN'T Break

James Comey's Medications

Give Peas a Chance

Trump's Plans for a Canadian Border Wall

A Few More Statements About Black History Month From President Trump

Parents Magazine

To: Baby manufacturer Subject: Missing parts--important!!!

If Toddlers Threw Their Own Parties

What's Your Disney Princess Parenting Style?

Daniel Tiger Songs for Adults

Electric Literature

We Cloned Charlotte Brontë from a Lock of Her Hair, and Chaos Ensued: Welcome to Brontësaurus Park

Books Where the Dog Dies, Re-Written So the Dog Doesn't Die

I Only Listen to Audiobooks on Vinyl

The Creator of 'BoJack Horseman' Has a New Way to Break Your Heart (my interview with Raphael Bob-Waksberg)

The Rumpus: Funny Women

The Mother of All Jobs

Other Contenders for 2017's Word of the Year

The Belladonna

My 14 Best Pickup Lines That Are Always Successful and Good

Email Signatures, Decoded

Slackjaw

I Like My Men Like I Like My ...

The Cut

I Think About This A Lot: The NSYNC Song 'Space Cowboy'

Paste Magazine

A Mommy Message Board Dissects the Ending of The Grapes of Wrath

Points in Case

Episode from the Dark, Gritty Reboot of Blue's Clues

The Offing

What Perfume Is

The Hairpin

I'm So Excited to Announce that I Now Say 'Namaste'

The Toast

Seasons' Greetings from the Steinbeck Family!

The Gradual Devolution of My Goals as an English Teacher

Songs from a Bon Iver Album In Which Everyone is Emotionally Stable and Living in the Suburbs

Good Friends vs. Best Friends

The Establishment

If e.e. cummings Were a Spambot

25 Tracks from Donald Trump's Spotify Playlist

What I Mean When I Say 'YAAAAAS Queen'

Elves on the Shelf Can't Justify Electoral College

Cafe

Usher Songs We're All Looking at a Little Differently Now

D.B. Weiss and David Benioff Have Lots of Other Offensive Show Ideas

As Sperm Count Continues to Drop, Drastic Measures Must Be Taken

More Leaked Game of Thrones Episodes That We Just Made Up

Jay-Z Thinks Chris Martin is a Modern Day Shakespeare

6 Shows to Expect from Shonda Rhimes

Joel Osteen's Bible Just May Read a Little Differently Than Yours

Video & Audio

My 14 Best Pickup Lines

Recorded at The Belladonna Variety Hour in Columbus

"Welcome to Pint-Sized, the Daycare Bar for Adults" on McSweeney's for Audible Comedy, Ep. 16

Performed by Samantha Gilweit and Chad Opitz

"Wow, Weather" on The New Yorker Radio Hour

Performed by Cirocco Dunlap and Kristen Acimovic