• HELLO.

    I'M RIANE

    Riane Konc is a humor writer and essayist living in the Midwest.

    The New Yorker: Poorly Phrased News Alerts

    May 14, 2019

     

    "Ruth Bader Ginsburg Is Dead

    Set on Staying on the Supreme Court for Many Years to Come"

    “'Reader,' she says, cocking her head, 'I buried him.'"

    "Specifically, 'Space Cowboy' sounds like the musical equivalent of a muscle-bound cowboy busting through the swinging doors of a celestial saloon pecs-first, then banging on the bar counter in 4/4 time, demanding to know if the barkeep affirms a pre- or post-tribulation eschatological belief system."

    The American Bystander: Who Are the Democratic Socialists of America?

    March 2019, Issue #10

     

    "Ultimately, the DSA believes that a person's access to healthcare or education or housing should not be contingent on a person's being wealthy. The DSA believes that the only thing that should be contingent on wealth is the ability to use 'summer' as a verb."

    The American Bystander: I Am a Writer. Please Don't Make Me Write.

    March 2019, Issue #10

     

    "Real writers know that complaining about writing is to the writer what water is to the body: a full 75% of it."

    McSweeney's: Congratulations on Your Accomplishment!

    March 8, 2019

     

    "Wow! I just heard the good news about your latest accomplishment, and I just wanted to be the first to say congratulations! This is amazing for you and not primarily a referendum on my lack of success in a similar field!"

    The New Yorker: Tips for Writing a Novel

    March 8, 2019

     

    "Write the story that you most want to read. Which, yeah, for the majority of us, means a story about a giraffe and a fireman who are best friends."

    "Bitch better have my money

     

    Bitch doesn’t see you in our invoice system

     

    Bitch is wondering if you ever sent in a W-9?"

    Weekly Humorist: Your Guide to the Super Bowl

    February 1, 2019

     

    "American football as we know it actually evolved from rugby football. But if it really evolved from rugby, like sports historians claim, then why is rugby football still around?"

    "My grandmother or grandfather participated in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION. Am I guaranteed a spot?
    This isn’t the Ivy League — we don’t guarantee spots for legacies! That said, the more people in your immediate family who have participated in NAVIGATING YOUR DEPRESSION, the more likely it is that you will, too."

    The New Yorker: Bad News, Good News

    January 3, 2019

     

    "The bad news is that everyone’s looking at me like I’m supposed to know how to pull this plane out of its tailspin. The good news is that, at my funeral, my parents will be able to use their famous catchphrase: 'Being a pilot seems like a bad choice for someone with amnesia, Greg.'"

    The American Bystander: Seasons' Greetings from the Steinbeck Family! (Reprint)

    December 2018, Issue #9

     

    "Tom and Diane are registered at Crate & Barrel. They would be humbled to own either."

    McSweeney's: The Re-Gifts of the Wise Men

    December 21, 2018

     

     

    “'That is not all, blessed Mother! I have also brought the Christ child a sweet treat: a hollowed shepherd’s staff containing red and green M&Ms.'"

    McSweeney's: The Myth of Paul Ryan

    December 19, 2018

     

    "Sing to me, O Fox Muse, of that noodle-spined hero who traveled far and wide, born in Janesville, Wisconsin, the last born son of Dracula and a polo shirt. "

    "I think I speak for Tracy and myself when I say this: all it took was one look into our little boy’s eyes, and we instantly realized, 'Wow. He is going to do serious social media numbers for us.'"

    "What we SHOULD be spending this amazing day focusing on is the fact that my arms broke so completely that if you flick my forearm, it'll spin around like a pinwheel."

    The New Yorker: Power Anthems for Adults

    November 7, 2018

     

    • "Who Run the World? (Special Interest Groups)"
    • "Girls Just Wanna Have Fungible Assets"
    • "Free Bird, and Other Craigslist Ads I Now Know Are Probably Scams"

    The New Yorker: Emily Dickinson's Patreon

    October 24, 2018

     

    "$1 or more per month:

    You will be added to my Mailing list to receive monthly updates regarding the fauna outside my living quarters. I regret that I must then immediately remove you from my Mailing list, as I cannot, at this time, bear to maintain a Correspondence with anyone but my sister."

    The New Yorker: Honest Dating Profiles of Punctuation Marks

    October 10, 2018

     

    "Apostrophe: I've been accused of being too possessive."

    The New York Times: Autumn Means More Than Wet Socks and Gourd Tea

    September 29, 2018

     

    "I love going door to door singing the old, beloved fall carols like 'Thanksgiving Prince' and 'Squirrel Rot Rock.' I just love watching my neighbors’ faces light up as they peer at me through a crack in their blinds and silently feel around for the alarm. That’s fall, to me."

    "I stood in front of a mirror, said, 'Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary,' and a woman’s face appeared next to mine and moaned, 'Greg, if you don’t stop doing that, you’re going to make us late for dinner.'"

    The New York Times: Airbnb Reviews of My Childhood Home

    July 21, 2018

     

    "I rarely give one-star reviews, but ever since the hosts remodeled the kitchen last year, none of my cereal bowls are where they used to be." ​

    The New Yorker: Updated Presidential Fitness Test

    July 20, 2018

     

    "Did you touch your elbows to your thighs? Then you’ve earned a point for one curl-up. If, instead of touching your elbows to your thighs, you called the entire European Union the foe of the United States, no points.​"

    "Think ants don’t have a cool nickname for cocaine? Think again ('Picnic Lightning')."

    "He wasn't very good symbolism, but he was a very good boy."

    "Look, if we’re talking about who is the most self-conscious about his forearms (and so is always hiding them in those tight sleevies), then LeBron is the clear winner. But, as every sports editor I have ever worked for has reminded me, that is literally never what we are talking about."

     

    The New Yorker: Encouragement for Struggling Creatives

    MAY 28, 2018

     

    "At the age of twenty-three, Oprah was fired from her first reporting job. This is the beginning and the end of the things you have in common with Oprah."

    "Steve nods, staring down at the envelope for one beat, two beats, then slowly raises his head, looks into the camera, and whispers: 'We just got a letter.'"

    "She knows 'dog' and she knows 'pig,' but she is young, so she thinks these are words for animals, not women. She is new here."